"This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong.
I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.
I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind.
Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.
It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.
You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?
In the end I thought, nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.
Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice …” I mean, it doesn’t really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.
Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.
The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line."

Douglas Adams (via sexhaver)

harlequinnade:

Mat Fraser is a gift (x)

cradily:

drakeovograham:

Do y’all know how fucking sad this makes me? leave people alone. This literally made me cry. FUCKING LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE?! I hate this world. Too fucked up, even for me



you guys!!!!!!! this turned out to be a nice story for once!!!!! so many people were saying nice things about her that she ended up makin an instagram just to see them!!!

cradily:

drakeovograham:

Do y’all know how fucking sad this makes me? leave people alone. This literally made me cry. FUCKING LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE?! I hate this world. Too fucked up, even for me

you guys!!!!!!! this turned out to be a nice story for once!!!!! so many people were saying nice things about her that she ended up makin an instagram just to see them!!!

sadvirginsacrifice:

my autobiography

sadvirginsacrifice:

my autobiography

(Source: zachatefinn)

privatebarb:

Queen Bey and Queen Nicki

image

(Source: fuckyeahnickiminaj)

Today I had the thought “aw wouldnt it be nice to be married and 30 and have a baby boy” ew please never let me think that again

naotakunn:

i cant believe this. i cant fucking believe this. i meant to send this to my boyfriend but instead i sent it to my boss right after i told her i was quitting all i wanted to do was make an inappropriate cookie joke but no i got mixed up texting two people at once and literally sent a picture of a chocolate chip cookie captioned “ooh she thique” to the fifty year old suburban mother of two of whom i have nothing but a strictly professional relationship with. after knowing me for almost a year and a half as a hard working and respectable employee this is the last thing i will ever say to her i can never go back to that shop again all because of this god damn cookie blunder What have i Done

naotakunn:

i cant believe this. i cant fucking believe this. i meant to send this to my boyfriend but instead i sent it to my boss right after i told her i was quitting all i wanted to do was make an inappropriate cookie joke but no i got mixed up texting two people at once and literally sent a picture of a chocolate chip cookie captioned “ooh she thique” to the fifty year old suburban mother of two of whom i have nothing but a strictly professional relationship with. after knowing me for almost a year and a half as a hard working and respectable employee this is the last thing i will ever say to her i can never go back to that shop again all because of this god damn cookie blunder What have i Done

(Source: zvyozdochka)

(Source: burieddiamond)